The Ferstle Family of Four: A dose of reality.

Life is funny sometimes.

Just when you think you've got everything figured out, life hits with a dose of reality.

Pretty much one month after Evan was born, I was ready for him to be a toddler so we could be done with the baby phase. As selfish as that sounds, after a stressful delivery and a month of trying to figure out that he had a milk protein allergy, I pretty much knew that any thoughts of having a third child were going to be tabled. Permanently.

Don't get me wrong. Being a mother to these two beautiful boys has been probably the greatest and most rewarding gift I've ever received.

But, no one ever really tells you exactly how hard it is. Or that it takes and drains every ounce of energy, patience, love, understanding, compassion, and hard work that you have in yourself. And the way I see it, I've got just enough of all those components to spread among my two boys.

Since that realization, I've been anxiously awaiting the day I could sell all our baby items and clear out approximately 8 Rubbermaid 18-20 gallon bins of clothes, toys, burp cloths, breastpump accessories, and the dreaded Quinny stroller I had to have. I kept telling myself, I'm ready for the next phase of our family. I'm ready to do things that we can't do with a baby. I'm ready to watch my babies grow into little boys and then into young men.

Meanwhile, everyone asked me as I prepped for the sale, "Don't you feel sad at all about being done with kids?" They'd tell me with a smirk on their face, "I bet you'll have another child" or "My cousin/sister/aunt/grandma said the same thing and they ended up pregnant 6 months later". I shrugged all the comments and questions off, set up my massive sale (see the picture below of the amount of stuff one can accrue with motherhood), and didn't look back as each item was sold or donated.

Because as each item was sold, I reminded myself that each of these hard-earned dollars was going towards Scott and I setting sail on an "exotic western Caribbean cruise". In exactly 39 days and counting! Seems fitting that our celebration for completing our family and surviving a four-year roller coaster ride will be exactly how we started with the dream of a family. On a beach in the Caribbean declaring that this was our last "hurrah". The calm before the beautiful storm. And in 39 days, we will be taking a much-needed deep breath and will be putting time, energy, and love into the very foundation of our family, our relationship.

All along I felt so confident in our decision to be finished with expanding our family.

And then the strangest thing happened. Today, after work, I attended the ever-so-pleasant annual exam at my OB/GYN. I rushed to the other side of town, skipping out on an important staff meeting since getting a 4pm appointment at this office is as tricky as getting across town in rush hour. I walked into that office for the first time in a year and noticed the changes they'd made to the waiting room. I signed in and sat down to read a magazine noting that it was so nice to just sit down for the first time all day. I allowed myself to look around the room and I saw a couple sitting anxiously waiting to be called back. And suddenly, just like that, I was flooded with memories.

Because it wasn't that long ago that we were in their shoes for the first time. Anxiously awaiting our first ultrasound to confirm that I was in fact pregnant. Daydreaming about how we'd break the news to our family and talking ourselves out of just calling them and telling them right then.

I tried to shake off the strange feelings as I sat in the waiting room. Luckily, the nurse called me back and I allowed myself to get engrossed in the magazine. Until the doctor walked in the room. And again, I couldn't hold back the memories. Out of six doctors in the practice, I lucked out and got my first choice doctor to deliver Evan. And it was the first time I've seen her in over a year since he was born. I'm sure any mother can relate, but I feel an instant connection with this woman. Not because I've known her for years. But, because she brought my baby boy into this world and made a decision that, in turn, saved both our lives.

Thankfully, the appointment went by quick and I rushed off to Somerset to grab a Christmas gift and meet my dad for dinner at J. Alexander's. I had exactly 20 minutes to pick out a gift and meet him so I was on a mission. But, of course, who can ignore the beautiful Christmas decorations and Santa display at the mall? I found myself feeling sad thinking back to Sean's first Christmas and wishing we lived back on this side of town.

I drove home that night, sitting in traffic, yet again and tried to pinpoint why I felt so sad. See, it's not because I want to have another child and feel sad about the decision we've made to be done having children. Rather, I find myself feeling sad thinking that I'll never get to experience these memories again. That this exciting and overwhelming stage of our lives is over.

I know we've made the right choice for our family, but I can't help but get a little teary-eyed thinking I'll never get to experience what it feels like to have a baby inside me.

Or the excitement of sharing the news with family and friends.

Especially the thrill of going into labor and the rush of, "I can't wait to meet him!!!!"

Surely, nothing will top the moment they first laid them in my arms. Just the awe in seeing what you've created and nurtured and dreamed about for the last nine months. There really is nothing that can compare. Scott and I are truly blessed. We really are.

Sean Madden - 10-1-10

Evan Jameson - 9-2-12

The reality is, while it brought tears to my eyes to think about that chapter of our lives coming to an end, I relish the memories. They make me appreciate everything we've been through as a family and everything we have to look forward to as we move on to the next chapter. Today, with Thanksgiving around the corner, I can't help but be thankful for every single thing that has made us in to the family we are today. I love my boys more than words can express. And even though motherhood is the most challenging thing I've ever been blessed to be a part of, I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's truly defined the person I am today.