Finding our new "normal"

It's with a heavy heart that today marked the day that I switched Evan to a hypo-allergenic formula and nursed him for the last time at 5:15am.  It certainly wasn't an easy decision to make.  In fact, it's been one that I've been dwelling on for the past 9 weeks when he was diagnosed with a Milk Protein Intolerance.  Knowing that I had to eliminate all dairy and hidden dairy, I forged ahead with nursing and gave it my best shot.  It's proven to be one of the most challenging sacrifices I've made.  From reading labels to checking for blood in his stool, it's been a long 9 weeks of really high highs and really low lows.

Every single day I questioned whether he really had MPI or whether it was reflux or some other gastrointestinal problem.  Because nothing is a sure thing with a diagnosis like this, it was a guessing game from day one when I brought his soiled diaper to the pediatrician.  I couldn't stop analyzing every detail of this situation and couldn't live with the fact that I had to indefinitely give up a major food group in the hopes that it would really improve his demeanor and his health. 

After four weeks of eliminating dairy during some of the hardest weeks it could have happened (my mom's birthday, my birthday, Sean's birthday, and Halloween), Evan's diaper finally tested negative for blood.  The pediatrician was convinced that my elimination diet was working and that I should continue.  However, I wasn't entirely convinced.  I would continue to see green stool that was either watery or mucousy.  Even though it didn't have blood, I still knew something wasn't right.  But, I kept trucking along.

With Thanksgiving approaching, I decided that I needed to make a decision one way or the other.  I was either going to keep breastfeeding and stop whining about his diagnosis and my new diet or I was going to give up on my goal of nursing him for a year like I did with Sean and switch to a very expensive formula.  I chose to eat what I wanted to at Thanksgiving dinner and the following day Evan already had diarrhea and broke out in rashes of eczema over his body.  Sunday morning, I broke down and realized that I couldn't continue like this.  Even without me cheating on Thanksgiving, he wasn't 100% well and with me being back to work full time I knew that something had to give.  The stress and pressure of watching every single thing I ate in fear of it upsetting Evan for 3-4 days was enough.

I had to weigh the options.  Would breastfeeding be better for him or would a formula that would meet his needs of his MPI be better?  And so, the decision was made to switch to the formula.  It would be what was best for everyone in our little family, but mostly for Evan.

I sent 3 bottles of formula and 3 bottles of pumped milk to daycare today in case he didn't take the formula.  But, rest assured, I received a phone call from his lead teacher at 10:30am telling me he took the bottle like a champ.  And the rest of the day he went with the flow and ate the formula, both at daycare and at home.  While bedtime was a little different for both Evan and I, he was still down by 8:30pm.  We're just treading water here as we find our new normal.  While I've cried a few times today already about this and still feel guilty every time I allow myself to think about it, I look forward to the rest of his first year knowing that I did this for him so that he would feel better.  No looking back now...

And with that, I'm off to devour my piece of birthday cake I froze for this very moment when I was no longer dairy free.  I had just hoped that it had been on his first birthday...