My first week back...

Somehow, in what we thought was great timing of having a September baby, I had to go back to work at 37 weeks pregnant after having the past two months off to rest and spend time with my family.  And while being home full time with an almost two year old didn't quite count as rest, it was certainly more restful and peaceful than the past three days of professional development have been.

This week has truly been an emotional roller coaster for me.  It started with dropping off Sean at a new daycare on Monday for the first time.  I don't know who cried more, me or Sean.  Of course, I held mine in until I got in the car, but his episode could be heard my entire way out.  I proceeded to go into work to find that we were going to be sitting in the cafeteria with the entire district on metal folding chairs for the entire day.  The presenter thought that by taking away our morning and afternoon breaks, we would be happy to get an hour lunch and a dismissal at 3:30pm.  I felt like we just got robbed.

I'm sure she was just doing her job, but to a room full of teachers, it was challenging after having had the entire summer off, to immediately come back and be talked at from 8:30am-3:30pm without much time for conversation among colleagues or a pep talk to rev us up for another school year.  I mean, whatever happened to our district barbeque and kick off?  I hope that wasn't a sign for how this year will be...

Now, on Wednesday night, after three days of much of the same, I had an emotional breakdown.  I was driving to work, after dropping off Sean who proceeded to reach for me while screaming my name, and lost it.  Let's recap my reasons for crying in the car for 20 minutes to my mom before going in to work (and please bear in mind that while some of these things may seem ridiculous for me to get upset about, I'm hormonally imbalanced and cannot control how I react or feel at this point - I'd like to think this is all valid):

• I'm tired.  I get up, on average, of 2-3 times a night to pee and then can't go back to sleep for at least a half hour each time.
• My body is tired.  Sitting all day long in metal folding chairs just doesn't do it for me.
• As of this morning, despite weeks of effort, I didn't have a long-term sub arranged for me at work and with the possibility of going in to labor any day now, the pressure is on to have everything ready and situated for the school year.
• I found out yesterday that the woman they had intended on calling to see if she would sub for me hadn't been contacted by anyone in my district.  I felt like I had been given the run-around for the past three weeks by multiple people.  So, I took matters in to my own hands.
• Sean screams his head off and throws an absolute fit when I drop him off at a new daycare.  And I can't blame him.  He doesn't know the teachers, doesn't know where he is, and just spent a fantastic summer with mom and dad at his disposal 24/7.  What can I say, we're awesome people and he knows it.

My main source of stress is definitely about when baby Evan will make his arrival and the pressure I feel about that (mostly brought on by myself, but I'd like to think that many people are playing a small part in this stress as well).  As of today, he has approximately two weeks to come on his own or I go under the knife again.  As you can tell, this is not my ideal birth plan.  I've had my heart set on a VBAC since I found out I was pregnant and considering my OB office gave him an eviction date of September 12th, the pressure is definitely on for him to come naturally so that I can have the birth experience I've been wanting.  Adding no pressure at all (yeah, right), Sean was born at exactly 37 weeks.  I was 37 weeks this past Saturday.  Today, I'm 37 weeks and 4 days.  Even though in my head I knew that Evan would NOT come as soon as Sean did, I can't help but feel disappointed and even angry to some extent every day that goes by with no baby in my arms.  And yes, I'm aware that pregnancies are meant to last 40 weeks and that I have time for him to come when he's ready to come.  But, some side of me can not digest that and thinks that he should be here by now.  I think it was cruel to have my first come 3 weeks early and my second to torture me every day after that until he decides to come.  Every twinge my body makes puts me on high alert.  It's probably why I can't sleep at night.  I envision all these scenarios of when and how I'll go in to labor.  It's horrible.

Since I'm now full-term, I guess that invokes the right for everyone to have an opinion or say about my current situation.  This would include family, friends, and colleagues. This is just a taste of what has been thrown in my direction over the past week:

1. He'll come when he's ready.
2. When are you due?
3. You're still pregnant?
4. Oh, you're here today....I guess baby didn't come.
5. No baby yet?
6. Baby can come on ____________ date, but not _________ date.
7. Do you think you'll go early?
8. You want to have a VBAC?
9. He can't come this weekend, __________ is out of town.
10. Have you tried sex, walking, pineapple, evening primrose oil, dark beer, bouncing on a ball, stripping your membranes, running, driving on a bumpy road, eating a "Prego" pizza, castor oil, etc.?

After breaking down this morning and crying in my car for 20 minutes about all of the mentioned items above, I suddenly felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.  Oddly enough, two hours later I got a text from the woman I want to be my sub saying she accepted the position and will start with me next week if I'm there.  Another huge weight off my shoulders.  Then Sean's daycare called as a courtesy to tell me that after his rough drop-off he's been having a great morning and she just wanted me to know that.  We've never received a call from any daycare about something positive and it seriously warmed my heart.  And instead of sitting in the cafeteria listening to the presenter, today we relied on the amazing staff at the high school to review some important and helpful tools we can learn this year.  I appreciate the wonderful people I work with that are capable of putting together a beneficial day of professional development.  I had a great lunch out with some colleagues and was excited to come to daycare to pick Sean up and see his smiling face when I walked in the room.

And it's weird.  Given that I've solved my work dilemma and feel like I've chosen the right place for Sean (finally and hopefully!), I'm suddenly feeling less pressure about when baby Evan will arrive.  I just feel at peace with everything. I have one more day of professional development for the week, a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon, and a nice long weekend to spend with my family or go into labor.  Whatever my body decides.  I mean, he'll come when he's ready, right?  ;)